We need to face the facts:

IT’S TIME TO GET RID OF THE CAT.

Before the cat’s arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me bites of food under the table.

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table — actually physically walk on the table! You don’t yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don’t see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she saunters past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab – and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn’t that what’s important?

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house ? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sand box in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sand-box and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I’m not the only one who believes the cat is an evil being. Here’s a note from the hamster:

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Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed,

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently the fish believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.

I don’t understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I’m not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.

And why doesn’t she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws – you’d never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I’ll be taking a nap and she’ll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I’m too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her scent on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I’m sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.

Sincerely,

The Dog